These Things I Learned in 2019

I can only recall one other year – 2012 – when I had such drastic and dramatic change within 12 months so it should go without saying: 2019 is one for the books. If you’ve been following my posts, you know this year has been one of transformation. As a brief recap, I spent the first half of the year in the U.K., re-ignited my passion for Christ, and returned to the U.S. with this relationship as the anchoring source of God creating a new life for me. This new life, as well as the events that led up to it, are the foundation of the lessons shared in this post. 

My end-of the-year or beginning of the year (if I miss posting in December :-/) posts are usually a mixture of accomplishments and lessons learned. This year, I focus heavily on the lessons learned and will leave the accomplishments for a summary bullet. So here are my top lessons for 2019:

1. EVERYONE needs a little time away. I understand wholeheartedly that my semester abroad was a blessing from God and not feasible for everyone. But I stand by my assertion – and I am sure the assertion of many others – that everyone needs some time away. Time away may look like an hour in the morning or evening with no disturbances. Perhaps, you can sneak away for a day at the beach, in the mountains, in a corner at your favorite coffee shop, or at a friend or family member’s house who is out of town. Maybe your time away is a weekend get-away or even a stay-cation. If you’re one of the few Americans who actually uses your vacation time then you make a conscious effort to have some down time a few weeks a year. Wherever you fall along the spectrum, time away is needed for everyone. My #1 lesson is I need time away. I need screen-free time each week. I need a couple of nights a week with unscheduled activities. I need one day a week reserved for worship and quiet reflection. I need regular weekends when I can retreat, even if this is just in my neighborhood. And I need consolidated chunks of time away from work to regroup, recharge, and reset. 
2. There is nothing in the world that compares to my newfound freedom, purpose, peace, redemption, forgiveness, grounding, and commission in Christ. NOTHING. I’ve spent a lot of my life carrying unhealed brokenness, feelings of not belonging, pangs of misplaced purpose, and an absence of identity. As someone who has tried other faith walks, methods of healing, and practices to provide direction, as well as discernment, I KNOW nothing compares to what occurred within me when I fully surrendered my life to God and committed to living an active Christian life. My whole life has changed. I have been restored in ways I couldn’t imagine. The songs and testimonies I heard growing up now have new meaning because I know for myself! I end this year with my own personal revelation of how transformative, how enriching, how healing, how invigorating, how unifying – in spite of efforts by others to counter this – walking with Christ can be. I have learned that for me, NOTHING COMPARES. 
3. Every relationship needs boundaries. When the coordinator of our Women’s Ministry said this, I don’t know why it hit my ears like a different language. As I thought more and more about it, I couldn’t help but admit that she is 100% right. I have lived so much of my life with no boundaries or boundaries in only certain relationships that to be a season of setting regular and consistent boundaries seems foreign to me. I still feel the nudge to apologize or explain or check in to ensure that my boundaries don’t offend others. As my confidence in this area grows, these urges become less common. I am currently reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend – I highly recommend this book (and the workbook too if you’re feeling extra fancy) to everyone. There are also follow-up series, including Boundaries in Dating, Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries in Parenting, and Boundaries for the Holidays, just to name a few.
4. Be okay with not telling “your side of the story”. So much has happened this year. So very much has happened this year. I can count on ONE hand the number of drama-filled incidents I have had in my adulthood. ONE hand … in nearly 20 years. When I see chaos and drama, I run in the opposite direction. It’s not my jam. I don’t thrive in those environments and I know more times than not, feelings are not the only things that are hurt. This year has delivered more than its share of DRAMA! In my past, I would have done all I could to explain “my side”, attempt to slander the offending parties, or even rush to make amends in an effort to avoid more drama. This year more than ever, I have learned the freedom that comes with letting go. Letting people go. Letting whatever gossip is circulating go. Letting relationships go. Letting whatever imagined control I thought I had go. I’ve just let go. I love peace. I thrive in peace. I long for peace. The world will deliver enough drama, uneasiness, inconsistency, hurt, injustice, malice, offences and undermining of its own. I don’t need to sign up for extras in my intimate and treasured relationships. 
5. My healing is my job. It has amazed me that for once in a really long time I have sought to heal my broken places and somehow this has become problematic for others. I won’t spend much time here as it closely aligns with numbers 2 and 3, but I will reiterate that another major lesson for me this year was my healing is all about me, it’s my work, it’s my commitment and those who truly have my best interest at heart will find their place within that space, even if that means saying I will love you from afar. 
6. Associates. Assignments. Friends. I am sure I have written about friendships before. I love my friends hard. I welcome them into my life fully and don’t hold much back from them. My friendships – especially with other women – are some of my most treasured relationships. Earlier this year, I listened to a sermon by Pastor Dharius Daniels. In that message, he talked about people in our lives falling into three main categories: associates, assignments, and friends. Because I don’t do a lot of gray areas when it comes to friends, someone is typically my friend or not … it was just that simple to me … until it wasn’t. I have learned the hard way that everyone I call “friend” does not view that word or relationship in the same way. Everyone that I laugh or chat with is not a friend. Everyone I share resources, work spaces, common interests, and even common hurts with is not a friend. Even those who I have shared personal spaces with may not be friends. I am doing better these days, strengthening my discernment muscle, looking for God-appointed relationships and seeing which of the three – if any – arenas these relationships fall in to. And perhaps most importantly, I am learning to unapologetically take space from relationships that are inconsistent, unsupportive, don’t mirror my values when it comes to friendships and my walk with Christ or don’t align with God-guided associates or assignments. 
7. And finally, my “accomplishments” for the year … this year I’ve been more active than I have in a long time by incorporating leisure exercise into my daily life. I gradually lost weight and have done well with keeping it off, considering my transition back home and not being as active since returning. I spent 6 months eating extremely “clean” meals, which has drastically shifted my palette. I still love good food, but not in the same way I did before. I now prefer simple, whole meals over any over-priced, unnatural substitute. Work has continued to be great with my semester abroad, international teaching and speaking opportunities; grant awards slightly over $600k; my first academic award and accompanying medal; another student accepted to Peace Corps; and my first major keynote in my new city. I joined and became active in my church, completed a 10-week small group series and invited two women – both of whom were baptized this weekend (!) – to walk alongside me as a part of the Discipleship Collective with IF:Gathering. My friend and I started a weekly prayer call, First Fridays Fellowship and collaborative devotional readings for women. I have spent more time with my family in the last 6 months than I have in YEARS. God is so faithful! 

I end this year with fewer friends, a lot more boundaries, and an abundance of faith. I am incredibly excited about what is ahead and so grateful for all that occurred this year, even the painful moments. I move into the New Year anchored in my walk with Christ, grounded in healthy boundaries, and excited to have so many amazing people to walk alongside WITH!