A Divided Heart

Y’all it’s May and I can’t believe I have been teleworking for 7 weeks! I am grateful that I am still working and also grateful for an upcoming, extended season of rest and slowing down. I welcome the time ahead as these last couple of months have been hard – for our world, for our country, for our communities and for our families. And I have struggled to face the difficulty head on, to not turn away from the suffering of others, all while finding space and room for gratitude, as well as celebration.

Last week was a particularly exciting one for me. So many amazing things happened in my life, professionally and personally. But it was also extremely hard. Between Sunday and Thursday, there were three deaths in my extended and immediate family. Y’all, THREE! Several nights last week I went to bed with the feeling of a brick on my chest. The weightiness seemed to get heavier each day and then Thursday came. I thought to myself I have to make room to have a divided heart. I have a heart that feels overwhelming love for my circle of friends – especially the women in my life – while also feeling deep sadness about the loss of loved ones and the well-being of my mom during such grief. I have to make room for a heart that leans heavily on my faith and it that, I find both comfort and joy while also struggling to leaving space to mourn. I feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to be there for communities I lead in service and through my professional assignments, while also acknowledging that I, too, need time, quiet, and space just to be still. During the entire week my heart has been conflicted – divided.

I don’t have any deeply profound answers. This week I leaned heavily on prayer and devotion. In the past, I would have resorted to all sorts of things to numb my pain, busyness and mindless chatter with whomever was available to name a few. Several times I was tempted to retreat, but I decided to participate in a Zoom call with friends on Monday and our women’s ministry connect group on Thursday – I am so glad I did. And I openly shared my feelings. It’s unsettling how often we dump on others – we call or text with a one-tracked mind: to unload everything from my day. This regular occurrence helps me to appreciate my friends who pause or even start the conversation with “How are YOU?”. When asked, I was honest and transparent in my hurt, longing for hope and divided heart.

Today as I write this, I am a little better but I make room for grief that lasts as long as needed, especially considering burial restrictions. And I continue to lean heavily on my faith as the comfort of God provides a peace that truly surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7a).