Leave Room for Joy

It felt hypocritical to laugh. It felt unsettling to seek opportunities to celebrate. It made me uneasy to consider indulging in recreational activities. But yet still, it was paralyzing to live with and carry in every way the real and perceived weight of chronic injustice, systemic racism and systematic oppression without even a mental reprieve. Slowly the burden became heavier as I considered the range of available options for responses: protects, letters, social media, campaigns, webinars, YouTube lives … all the things. I dove in. Recommitted and re-calibrated. This time was different. This time is different. The world is watching. My heart feels called to do a new thing. I’m leaning in. I’m making room to construct new tables. I’m re-evaluating my priorities, realigning my time. I’m diving in deeper.

I can’t stop crying. I’m unable to sleep at night. I can’t pull away from social media. I feel as if no matter how much I read or listen, there is still so much more.

I pause. I pray. I journal. I process. I remember that justice work is a lifelong pursuit and while there are some right now things, there are some next week, next month, next semester, and next year things as well. I remember this is a marathon. I take a breather. I allow myself to laugh – I LOOK for ways to cultivate joy and happiness. I settle in, still alert but not as easily pulled to and fro by every loud voice. I lace up my kicks. I make sure my gear is sustainable for the long haul. AND …. I leave room for joy.

Last weekend I traveled home to be with friends and family. The trip was nourishing and invigorating to my soul. During the week leading up to my trip, I realized just how much care I must take to balance the work I know I’m called to do with time to be refueled and replenished. It has been challenging to feel the rawness of everything happening in our world, in our country, and in my immediate community without anything to mask or numb the emotions … no substances, no overindulgences in food, no intimate relationship to distract me …. just me, my emotions and my God. It has been challenging, but it has also propelled me into new avenues. I’ve remained committed to health equity and reducing health disparities for almost two decades, but new doors have opened and I’m being intentional about walking through them.

I’ve been told that from great pain we can birth even greater purpose can. I’ve felt and feel the pain, but I also see purpose and promise. And I’m learning … I’m learning that no matter what, I must leave room for joy. Amen.