March Love Notes Part I: 5 Ways to Know When Something (or Someone) Isn’t for You?

I’ve lived a great deal of my life on two opposite extremes. At one end of the spectrum was me making commitments to activities and people – staying the course no matter how I felt. No matter how challenging the circumstance. No matter how toxic the relationship. No matter how stressful enduring became, I remained committed.

At the opposite end was swift and sometimes, premature exits – often with no explanation or elaboration. This doesn’t feel good. I’m out. This is too hard. I’m done. This has shifted from what I thought it would be. I’m no longer available.

And while I believe awareness and WISDOM required to assess where we stay and for how long are required, there can be a balance in what that looks like. Here are my lessons in determining if a space – commitment – relationship is where I should stay.

1. How does it FEEL? While it can be unhealthy – and dangerous – to act on every impulse, our feelings ARE valid. We’ve been taught for so long to ignore them … to question them. BUT they matter! I’ve learned to trust the uneasiness in my stomach or the nudge in my chest as caution to pause. When it doesn’t FEEL right, I take a moment or a few to assess if this is where I should be.

2. Do the challenges outweigh the moments of celebration? EVERY commitment, every engagement, EVERY relationship will come with its own set of challenges. HOWEVER, I now know that this should not be a constant state of existence. When the challenges begin to outweigh the moments of beauty, celebration, JOY and fulfillment, I know it’s time to go.

3. Does this STILL align with the person I am today, as well as the person I’m longing to become. Sometimes we make commitments based on who we were or what was important to us last year, 6 months ago or even last week. That is wonderful! That’s what we needed at that time. BUT it is okay to say this longer serves the person I am today. It’s okay to acknowledge our ever-shifting desires and needs. That is OKAY. We are growing, evolving – and ideally – ever-maturing people. Our circumstances AND sometimes parts of our circles should be the same.

4. WHAT is keeping me here? If you’re like me, it can be quite confusing and even disheartening to see a situation, agreement, commitment working for so many others but not working for you. When this happens, I often ask what is wrong with ME. But I have to gently remind myself: NOTHING. I think of the old adage: “everything ain’t for everybody.” EVEN when it seems like something is working for EVERYone else but me, that’s okay. I am unique. My path is my own. Everyone is not going where I am going. And that, my friend, is our superpower!

5. What happens if I go? I find that we can be more afraid of the unknown than we are of the stagnation, unhappiness, stress, trauma … add to the list … that comes with staying in whatever situation we find ourselves. But what if we dared to ask: what if I go? What if I end this commitment? What if I leave this relationship? What if I try this new job? What if I pursue this new business? WHAT IF? And WHY NOT? If the only thing keeping you in place is fear of what might happen if you leave, perhaps mentally and emotionally you’ve already left. Consider the possibilities. Entertain the thoughts. Dare to dream. Allow yourself to imagine.