In the Stillness: Thoughts on Coming Home to Me

I was listening to SiriusXM and a commentator said our deepest thoughts and secrets aren’t found in our text message threads or even in our photos. She continued on to share that they are found in our notes app! This insight sent me on a scavenger hunt in my notes app. Below is an entry I typed last year during my final day in the village after a month in Uganda. As I am trying to lean deeper into stillness and cultivate some new rest, joy and pleasure-related practices in the remaining six weeks of my summer “break,” this reflection resonated with me. If you can relate to any of what I have shared, I encourage you to check out Rest as Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey.

This morning I settled myself in a bed a bit and reflected on my time in Uganda! The last week has felt challenging but I am grateful. I am appreciative – but not surprised – by how much clarity time away brings. Even with me longing for space and room to BREATHE, I’ve had time to embrace gratitude for my work; contentment and joy with living in Wilmington; deep love and affection for my friendship circle and family; an opening up to dream even beyond what I am doing now; giddiness about the fall and moving into the term as an associate professor; visioning about life as a full professor with my business thriving; LOVE and fully embracing the possibility of partnership; a deep joy and resolve to enjoy my life as is, right now, today; appreciation for dreams and seeds planted long ago; a willingness to compromise and love people with boundaries – including my friends; thankfulness for friendships that teach me to love, to forgive, to begin again, to take space, to say enough, to honor my limits; clarity in life today as well as where I desire it to be; and a settling in as the new + next chapter unfolds. For these and so many other blessings I am grateful.

It is in the solitude, this quiet, this settling down and sitting with this peace that I find my way home.

These moments – moments of waiting and longing and uncertainty – can feel so painful in the present. Yet, I know they are necessary. They stretch me. They push me to new heights. I am grateful.

So as much as I know this time was in preparation for our students, it was also a gift to and for me. It was the space and pause I prayed for. It was my ocean of depth, cleansing and clarity … it was my renewal.

I could not have planned this. I could not have orchestrated the ideal environment BUT the Universe is ALWAYS conspiring on my behalf. I am grateful.

Today we attend a final ceremony before departing for Entebbe. I am present. I am joy-filled. I am expectant. I am at peace. I am in love with my unfolding. I am here. I am home.