Better than I Ever Imagined II: DEEPER still!
I’ve written about this before but it is worth re-mentioning. Last August, I came face to face with myself and realized I needed to make some changes. While I’d love to take full credit for this shift, I do think it was a combination of my annual visit with my primary care provider when I had to be honest about the numbers on the scale – I’m not sure of the last time I’d weighed-in before then – and me not being able to fit my clothes as I prepared for another academic semester. And I want to give a shout out to my doctor. A little distraught about my weigh in, I asked her what I can do to lose weight. She didn’t sugarcoat things – nor was she insensitive. She simply said “Reduce your portion sizes.” No magic pulls. No gimmicks. No quick fixes. Reduce your portion sizes.
So, August was preparation. Planning. Trial and error. Falling and being committed to get back up again. September was the hard reset. I bought a steps tracker, committed to daily movement – including yoga – and engaged with a couple of wellness communities. And at the end of October I joined E2M.
It has been 10 months since I started the journey and 7 months with E2M. I often tell people that my new habits are on rinse and repeat. My morning rituals of prayer, meditation and reading are nonnegotiable. My morning workouts as an early morning deposit to my wellbeing are nonnegotiable. Being ULTRA selective of my time and energy has become NONnegotiable.
Quite naturally, I thought I’d figured everything out. I had found my zone and was riding my wave. In full transparency, I’ve shed over 70 pounds and feel absolutely amazing!
BUT then I started digging deeper. I started reading about sugar addiction and disordered eating. I started listening to podcasts and audiobooks about trauma and eating patterns! I welcomed deeper meditations related to why my weight has fluctuated to drastically over the last few years, particularly since starting my doctorate program 10 years ago.
WHEW! I was NOT ready!
Related, this blog post was completely unplanned but after an extremely heavy week – THE heaviest since I started this journey – I wanted to share.
The work is DEEP. It is MORE than shedding pounds (if that is your goal, as it was mine). It is DEEPER than enjoying food.
It is understanding when and why we eat. Why do we eat the things we do and what feelings do they initiate OR are we trying to mask. Have we crafted food patterns that mirror our current lives or are we still eating in alignment with unhealthy childhood and/or coping mechanisms. Are we eating to live or living to eat. AND have we fostered any of the NUMBER of other fun, enJOYable, engaging, intimate and pleasurable activities that do NOT involve eating or food (or alcohol). Additionally, have we cultivated creating memories with folks who also embrace ways to enjoy life that don’t exclusively revolve around food or alcohol.
While super challenging and not pleasant at all, I AM grateful for the space, time, vulnerability, attentiveness to keep going deeper. To understand me. To heal my surface level parts and those aspects of my life I’ve buried so deeply within.
This week unlocked a NEW level. One where I get to see ME, decide yet again what remains and shed what no longer serves me.
For these and so many other blessings I give thanks.
Ase.
